The best word that I have ever found to describe my current state is Disquiet. It is from the title of a book, The Book of Disquiet, by an apparently unknown Portuguese poet named Fernando Pessoa. I bought this book a few weeks before I began dating the girl from the previous post, after having told her months before that I couldn't be just friends and then removed her from my life. I have yet to finish this book. I keep picking it up during times like this, and then dropping it when I yank myself out of my oblivion of self-introspection.
Disquiet is not quiet, yet it is not unquiet. To me, it means a low, almost imperceptible sound, heard in the background, that alerts one that something is not quite right in the world. The disquiet I hear, in my mind, is the sound resonating in the gap between who I am, where I am, what I am and the person that I pretend to be, both to myself and others. The last few years of my life has consisted of my (pathetic? Sometimes.) attempts to close that gap, to feel right with how things are and will be.
I acknowledge that I can not control the world; my dad said to me once that the absolute maximum you can control is the circle whose circumference is drawn by your fingertips as you spin around in place, with your arms outstretched. I think that's very true.
I hope my next great leap, into Medical School, make my world a little better. I think that it will, but who knows?
Frustratingly, when I am honest with myself, I believe that my sense of Disquiet will become inaudible only when I find The Girl. It could be that everyone is built like that. Only time will tell, I suppose.
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Frustratingly, when I am honest with myself, I understand that my sense of disquiet only becomes inaudible when I'm right with God. Even knowing that, again and again, I try and turn to friends and boyfriends and activities and other things to fill up my time and make me feel like I'm contributing, so that the sense of disquiet goes away. But none of those ever work for me. And then I'm like, duh, Becky! And then I turn to God and it's like BAM, disquiet gone. And then I'm like, why did I not do this earlier, again? It's kind of a frustrating circle.
ReplyDeletewell, whatever works for you. yours sounds like a more immediate solution than my proposed resolution, but we each have our own paths, i guess.
ReplyDeletethis latest disquiet actually faded pretty quickly. maybe i'm more over the past than i thought. that's comforting.
i kinda feel like my response's first paragraph could come across as flippant. not what i intended.
ReplyDeletethis "being right with God" phrase is not really something I understand, but I'm glad that you have a way to get rid of disquiet.
working out regularly kinda does it for me. i think it shuts my brain up for a while, and i think thats a good thing to do sometimes.