Making sense of the move to KC

Almost everything is packed, except for my last week of clothes and this computer, obviously. No cable, my DVDs are packed: so I don't really have much to do. Except think.

I go back and forth in my mind when thinking about this excursion. It's tempting, sometimes, to call it a failure, but my mind immediately gets second thoughts which recoil from that judgment.

I was lost, listless, confused, young, naive, and gullible (and probably other things too) when I made the decision to move away from Florida and take a job in corporate America. I guess that it's somewhat ridiculous to chastise myself for the "mistake" of getting a job after college; there are plenty of people that I know that spent months or more living off their parents after graduating. But none-the-less, that is what it feels like.

I do feel incredibly dumb for dropping my med school goal so abruptly during my junior year and then latching on to the first job that came along during my senior year. I feel dumb for leaving Florida for the piece of shit Midwest. Seriously, what was I thinking? Kansas City itself is a nice place, but the surrounding area is a god-awful, boring wasteland, at least to someone raised on a concoction of sunshine, oceans, and palm trees. The people with whom I worked are not "my people." They're nothing like me, a fact which I of course didn't know before arriving.

And I suppose that's the bottom line, really. The only world I'd ever seen was a doctor's world for employment and Florida world for lifestyle. I needed to see something else to have the background to make educated decisions about my future.

I was pre-med as an undergrad without really knowing why. From March 05 to February 06, in falling behind on studying for the MCAT, in letting a break-up (however difficult) affect my life as I did, in wanting to blame the life of a doctor on my father's troubles, and in following a course suggested to me, rather than chosen by me, I showed my immaturity. That immaturity led me here.

Finding maturity led me out.

There is certainly something to be said for failing on one's own. I grew up here and unfortunately growing old, bored, lonely, and slightly out of shape were part of that. The first I can correct only mentally. Attending medical school in Florida will help me correct the middle two. The last one is almost not true anymore, though it's going to be difficult for me to get back in my former peak soccer shape.

Despite those negative things, I believe that I have also gained. In finding out who I am not (someone who can be happy in a large office), what fails to motivate me (no human contact with the people I ostensibly help), where I do not belong (in not Florida), when I will not work (tedious, unpaid overtime), and why I will not like a job (no significance in what I do), I have at least narrowed down potential options to consider.

In truth though, I think it goes beyond that. I will make Medical School work, despite the difficulties I am sure to face. I will find time to have a life, despite the workload. I will enjoy the experience, because this is the path that I chose. I refuse to have any regrets from this point forward.

Those convictions, and my strength to follow through on them, are the most valuable remuneration that I recieved during my time here. I am thankful for that.