Turned in all my Cerner gear today. It's officially over. (though not completely as I still have COBRA and IRA rollover to deal with, but no more work at least).
One funny thing to note is that over the last two weeks, every one and their mother has been telling me about their goals in life, what led them to Cerner, how they plan to get out, etc. It's been interesting and funny. Also got a lot of free meals. I should leave jobs all the time!
Now the grueling but still enjoyable trip back home, and then off to Spain. Yippee-ay-yay.
Friday, April 24, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
Candy (and gay marriage, later?)
I was given an interesting piece of candy today by a woman at work. I, unfortunately, have very little self restraint when it comes to sweets if they are offered to me, are laying around my immediate area, or I am bored. Two of those three collided today.
Regardless, back to the point of this post: this piece of candy.
It was a chocolate cross.
Now, not being a Christian (or anything, really), I was a little taken aback for a few reasons:
1) I was surprised that she brought this fairly blatant religious "object" to work
(though I've now learned that the "rules" about bringing religion to the work place are routinely broken if said religion is crucifixion-based)
2) I wondered why she gave this piece of candy to me. As far as I know, I haven't led anyone to believe that I'm a Jesus follower.
3) I am stunned that they make chocolate crosses
4) I am really stunned that they make chocolate crosses!
5) I'm flabbergasted... oh, you get the point
Points 3 and 4 I would like to discuss, however briefly. Why in the world do candy crosses exist?!?! Is the cross not supposed to be a poignant symbol of suffering? Isn't that the reason why it's the symbol of Christianity, to remind the flock of their Saviors hardships?
How could it be turned into a sweet confection? I would not put it past the "creative" dunces (the ones that weren't smart enough to think blue-turning-mountains when a beer can gets cold) to come up with the idea, but I would have thought that maybe, just maybe, there would have been an intelligent marketer that would have spoken up at a meeting: "Uh, maybe this isn't such a good product design. Wouldn't half-intelligent people be offended by this?"
Well, obviously there wasn't such a person. And it's probably better for whoever that might have been, because the market has spoken and that person would have been wrong: people bought the candy!!??
So, the better question is why, oh why, oh why? Why don't the right-eous (get it?) Christians go after these companies, that are, to me at least, making a mockery of the most important Christian symbol? Or if they are going after them, why not spend a little more energy on that quest and a little less trying to convince the world that gay people are just "confused," that they chose to be that way, and that the don't deserve the same rights (yes marriage) as straight people.
Yes, chocolate candy has nothing to do with that last subject, but once I got going, I couldn't stop.
I ate a bit of the chocolate (the top and left arms) but then threw the rest away. Not for Him, but for My Waistline. I have commericials to thank for that last worry.
Regardless, back to the point of this post: this piece of candy.
It was a chocolate cross.
Now, not being a Christian (or anything, really), I was a little taken aback for a few reasons:
1) I was surprised that she brought this fairly blatant religious "object" to work
(though I've now learned that the "rules" about bringing religion to the work place are routinely broken if said religion is crucifixion-based)
2) I wondered why she gave this piece of candy to me. As far as I know, I haven't led anyone to believe that I'm a Jesus follower.
3) I am stunned that they make chocolate crosses
4) I am really stunned that they make chocolate crosses!
5) I'm flabbergasted... oh, you get the point
Points 3 and 4 I would like to discuss, however briefly. Why in the world do candy crosses exist?!?! Is the cross not supposed to be a poignant symbol of suffering? Isn't that the reason why it's the symbol of Christianity, to remind the flock of their Saviors hardships?
How could it be turned into a sweet confection? I would not put it past the "creative" dunces (the ones that weren't smart enough to think blue-turning-mountains when a beer can gets cold) to come up with the idea, but I would have thought that maybe, just maybe, there would have been an intelligent marketer that would have spoken up at a meeting: "Uh, maybe this isn't such a good product design. Wouldn't half-intelligent people be offended by this?"
Well, obviously there wasn't such a person. And it's probably better for whoever that might have been, because the market has spoken and that person would have been wrong: people bought the candy!!??
So, the better question is why, oh why, oh why? Why don't the right-eous (get it?) Christians go after these companies, that are, to me at least, making a mockery of the most important Christian symbol? Or if they are going after them, why not spend a little more energy on that quest and a little less trying to convince the world that gay people are just "confused," that they chose to be that way, and that the don't deserve the same rights (yes marriage) as straight people.
Yes, chocolate candy has nothing to do with that last subject, but once I got going, I couldn't stop.
I ate a bit of the chocolate (the top and left arms) but then threw the rest away. Not for Him, but for My Waistline. I have commericials to thank for that last worry.
Making sense of the move to KC
Almost everything is packed, except for my last week of clothes and this computer, obviously. No cable, my DVDs are packed: so I don't really have much to do. Except think.
I go back and forth in my mind when thinking about this excursion. It's tempting, sometimes, to call it a failure, but my mind immediately gets second thoughts which recoil from that judgment.
I was lost, listless, confused, young, naive, and gullible (and probably other things too) when I made the decision to move away from Florida and take a job in corporate America. I guess that it's somewhat ridiculous to chastise myself for the "mistake" of getting a job after college; there are plenty of people that I know that spent months or more living off their parents after graduating. But none-the-less, that is what it feels like.
I do feel incredibly dumb for dropping my med school goal so abruptly during my junior year and then latching on to the first job that came along during my senior year. I feel dumb for leaving Florida for the piece of shit Midwest. Seriously, what was I thinking? Kansas City itself is a nice place, but the surrounding area is a god-awful, boring wasteland, at least to someone raised on a concoction of sunshine, oceans, and palm trees. The people with whom I worked are not "my people." They're nothing like me, a fact which I of course didn't know before arriving.
And I suppose that's the bottom line, really. The only world I'd ever seen was a doctor's world for employment and Florida world for lifestyle. I needed to see something else to have the background to make educated decisions about my future.
I was pre-med as an undergrad without really knowing why. From March 05 to February 06, in falling behind on studying for the MCAT, in letting a break-up (however difficult) affect my life as I did, in wanting to blame the life of a doctor on my father's troubles, and in following a course suggested to me, rather than chosen by me, I showed my immaturity. That immaturity led me here.
Finding maturity led me out.
There is certainly something to be said for failing on one's own. I grew up here and unfortunately growing old, bored, lonely, and slightly out of shape were part of that. The first I can correct only mentally. Attending medical school in Florida will help me correct the middle two. The last one is almost not true anymore, though it's going to be difficult for me to get back in my former peak soccer shape.
Despite those negative things, I believe that I have also gained. In finding out who I am not (someone who can be happy in a large office), what fails to motivate me (no human contact with the people I ostensibly help), where I do not belong (in not Florida), when I will not work (tedious, unpaid overtime), and why I will not like a job (no significance in what I do), I have at least narrowed down potential options to consider.
In truth though, I think it goes beyond that. I will make Medical School work, despite the difficulties I am sure to face. I will find time to have a life, despite the workload. I will enjoy the experience, because this is the path that I chose. I refuse to have any regrets from this point forward.
Those convictions, and my strength to follow through on them, are the most valuable remuneration that I recieved during my time here. I am thankful for that.
I go back and forth in my mind when thinking about this excursion. It's tempting, sometimes, to call it a failure, but my mind immediately gets second thoughts which recoil from that judgment.
I was lost, listless, confused, young, naive, and gullible (and probably other things too) when I made the decision to move away from Florida and take a job in corporate America. I guess that it's somewhat ridiculous to chastise myself for the "mistake" of getting a job after college; there are plenty of people that I know that spent months or more living off their parents after graduating. But none-the-less, that is what it feels like.
I do feel incredibly dumb for dropping my med school goal so abruptly during my junior year and then latching on to the first job that came along during my senior year. I feel dumb for leaving Florida for the piece of shit Midwest. Seriously, what was I thinking? Kansas City itself is a nice place, but the surrounding area is a god-awful, boring wasteland, at least to someone raised on a concoction of sunshine, oceans, and palm trees. The people with whom I worked are not "my people." They're nothing like me, a fact which I of course didn't know before arriving.
And I suppose that's the bottom line, really. The only world I'd ever seen was a doctor's world for employment and Florida world for lifestyle. I needed to see something else to have the background to make educated decisions about my future.
I was pre-med as an undergrad without really knowing why. From March 05 to February 06, in falling behind on studying for the MCAT, in letting a break-up (however difficult) affect my life as I did, in wanting to blame the life of a doctor on my father's troubles, and in following a course suggested to me, rather than chosen by me, I showed my immaturity. That immaturity led me here.
Finding maturity led me out.
There is certainly something to be said for failing on one's own. I grew up here and unfortunately growing old, bored, lonely, and slightly out of shape were part of that. The first I can correct only mentally. Attending medical school in Florida will help me correct the middle two. The last one is almost not true anymore, though it's going to be difficult for me to get back in my former peak soccer shape.
Despite those negative things, I believe that I have also gained. In finding out who I am not (someone who can be happy in a large office), what fails to motivate me (no human contact with the people I ostensibly help), where I do not belong (in not Florida), when I will not work (tedious, unpaid overtime), and why I will not like a job (no significance in what I do), I have at least narrowed down potential options to consider.
In truth though, I think it goes beyond that. I will make Medical School work, despite the difficulties I am sure to face. I will find time to have a life, despite the workload. I will enjoy the experience, because this is the path that I chose. I refuse to have any regrets from this point forward.
Those convictions, and my strength to follow through on them, are the most valuable remuneration that I recieved during my time here. I am thankful for that.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Hair
I've had basically the same haircut throughout my entire life. There have been slight variations in length; there used to be enough to comb to the right, now its just straight and frizzy all the time.
I also hate shaving my face.
I have a desire to go "mountain man" and let my hair go wild. Probably not this summer, as I'll be in hot, steamy Spain, but perhaps the summer afterwards. That will be my last ever "free" summer, as 2nd, 3rd, and 4th year med students don't get summers off.
My dream would be to "drop of the grid," as cliche as that is, and go volunteer in a National Park while not shaving or cutting my hair. I know that's a stupid dream, but whatever, I'll admit that I have it.
I'll give you an idea of what that might look like:
Very nice!
I also hate shaving my face.
I have a desire to go "mountain man" and let my hair go wild. Probably not this summer, as I'll be in hot, steamy Spain, but perhaps the summer afterwards. That will be my last ever "free" summer, as 2nd, 3rd, and 4th year med students don't get summers off.
My dream would be to "drop of the grid," as cliche as that is, and go volunteer in a National Park while not shaving or cutting my hair. I know that's a stupid dream, but whatever, I'll admit that I have it.
I'll give you an idea of what that might look like:
Very nice!
Saturday, April 4, 2009
Tick tock
Not long left in KC. I put my two weeks notice in next Friday. Almost all of my non-essentials are packed.
The older guy, Mike, that I work with had his third heart attack in a little over a year two weeks ago. That's my only mild regret at the moment, me leaving is going to put him and my other colleague Brent under a lot of stress. I hope it doesn't kill Mike. (Not that me leaving would be the only reason he has a bad heart, he eats terribly and has been smoking his whole life, including after his first two heart attacks.)
Get the double-entendre of post title?
The older guy, Mike, that I work with had his third heart attack in a little over a year two weeks ago. That's my only mild regret at the moment, me leaving is going to put him and my other colleague Brent under a lot of stress. I hope it doesn't kill Mike. (Not that me leaving would be the only reason he has a bad heart, he eats terribly and has been smoking his whole life, including after his first two heart attacks.)
Get the double-entendre of post title?
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Europa Universalis 3
I've mostly worked myself out of the video-games. At this age, I've created civilizations, taken over the world, colonized the Americas, fought as James Bond, raced tiny cars with Mario characters, etc. etc. Pretty much, I've done it all :) Having spent the better part of two year working in front of a computer, I try to keep away from them as much as possible in my free time. I don't see that changing in the future, really.
However, there is one game that I do find incredibly fascinating and educational: Europa Universalis 3. You basically take control of one of the kingdoms/duchies/city-states/republics that existed in the world on May 30, 1453 and guide them through an alternate history until 1822. The start date is significant in that it is the date that the Ottoman Turks won the seige of Constantinople, effectively ending the last remnant of the Roman Empire, the Byzantines. The end date roughly corresponds to the end of the Napoleonic Wars.
In the second expansion, the game start date is pushed back to 1399, starting at the coronation of Henry IV of England; however, I like the original start date because it truly represents a sea-change in European history.
Through this game, I've learned so much about the geography of Germany, Italy, and France; and discovered nations that I'd never even heard of, like Burgundy. I late read about people, places, and events from game on Wikipedia, later. It's really fascinating.
If you'll humor me, oh interwebs: Burgundy was at one time as large as France and controlled the southeast part of modern day France and all of Belgium, Holland, and Luxembourg. It was one of the largest territories in all of Europe at it's time. So, how come I'd never heard of it before finding this game?
You'll have to read about it yourself, I'm afraid; it's such a complicated story that I couldn't hope to do it justice. If your lazy, though, the simplistic story is that the Duke of Burgundy petitioned the Holy Roman Emporer to be made a King, thus creating the Kingdom of Burgundy. His petition was denied, and some deal was made between the King of France and the Holy Roman Emperor that, upon the Duke's death, with him not having an heir, the Duchy of Burgundy would be divided between the France and Holy Roman Empire.
This is the reason that Holland and Belguim fell under Spanish control when Charles V of Austria/Carlos I of Spain ruled over Spain and Austria and was also elected as the Holy Roman Emporer.
European history is so complicated and fascinating, but this game has been a sort of catalyst for me to slowly work my way from the fall of Rome, to the Rise of Charlemagne, to the dividing of his Empire at his death (essentially along the present day borders of France and Germany!), through the time of the Crusades, the Renaissance, the colonial period, the consolodation and rise of Russia, the infiltration and absorbotion of the Holy Roman Empire by Prussia, and ultimately ending in the Napoleonic Wars. It's really quite a story, even in broad brush strokes, and I still have huge gaps in my knowledge.
Anyway, it's an addicting game regardless; but I also learn a lot.
However, there is one game that I do find incredibly fascinating and educational: Europa Universalis 3. You basically take control of one of the kingdoms/duchies/city-states/republics that existed in the world on May 30, 1453 and guide them through an alternate history until 1822. The start date is significant in that it is the date that the Ottoman Turks won the seige of Constantinople, effectively ending the last remnant of the Roman Empire, the Byzantines. The end date roughly corresponds to the end of the Napoleonic Wars.
In the second expansion, the game start date is pushed back to 1399, starting at the coronation of Henry IV of England; however, I like the original start date because it truly represents a sea-change in European history.
Through this game, I've learned so much about the geography of Germany, Italy, and France; and discovered nations that I'd never even heard of, like Burgundy. I late read about people, places, and events from game on Wikipedia, later. It's really fascinating.
If you'll humor me, oh interwebs: Burgundy was at one time as large as France and controlled the southeast part of modern day France and all of Belgium, Holland, and Luxembourg. It was one of the largest territories in all of Europe at it's time. So, how come I'd never heard of it before finding this game?
You'll have to read about it yourself, I'm afraid; it's such a complicated story that I couldn't hope to do it justice. If your lazy, though, the simplistic story is that the Duke of Burgundy petitioned the Holy Roman Emporer to be made a King, thus creating the Kingdom of Burgundy. His petition was denied, and some deal was made between the King of France and the Holy Roman Emperor that, upon the Duke's death, with him not having an heir, the Duchy of Burgundy would be divided between the France and Holy Roman Empire.
This is the reason that Holland and Belguim fell under Spanish control when Charles V of Austria/Carlos I of Spain ruled over Spain and Austria and was also elected as the Holy Roman Emporer.
European history is so complicated and fascinating, but this game has been a sort of catalyst for me to slowly work my way from the fall of Rome, to the Rise of Charlemagne, to the dividing of his Empire at his death (essentially along the present day borders of France and Germany!), through the time of the Crusades, the Renaissance, the colonial period, the consolodation and rise of Russia, the infiltration and absorbotion of the Holy Roman Empire by Prussia, and ultimately ending in the Napoleonic Wars. It's really quite a story, even in broad brush strokes, and I still have huge gaps in my knowledge.
Anyway, it's an addicting game regardless; but I also learn a lot.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Perception
I finally broke the news of my imminent departure to my friends. They were "pressing" me for commitments to some plans during the summer; I just couldn't keep lying to them. The response, initially, was underwhelming. They were surprised but took it in stride.
I've been thinking, planning, and agonizing over the upcoming moment for over a year. I just want to burst into celebration, run around screaming, tear off my shirt to reveal my sports bra (figuratively). And they were like, "Oh, cool. When are those hamburgers gonna be ready?" Not that I really expected any differently, but I sure wanted differently.
Along the lines of the "everything is perception" cliche, I'm amazed at two dichotomies:
1) There are 24 work days left. When I think about working those days, I can't believe how long that feels. When I think about how much stuff I have to pack in those days (plus weekends of course), I can't believe how little time I have.
2) After two years of having my own money to spend, I'm amazed at how much stuff I have. I own furniture!?! From college, I'm used to being able to pack everything that I own into my Toyota Camry and then just drive. I can't believe that all of this "stuff" is going to be making the trek with me from KC to Tampa.
Makes me want to be a Buddhist.
I've been thinking, planning, and agonizing over the upcoming moment for over a year. I just want to burst into celebration, run around screaming, tear off my shirt to reveal my sports bra (figuratively). And they were like, "Oh, cool. When are those hamburgers gonna be ready?" Not that I really expected any differently, but I sure wanted differently.
Along the lines of the "everything is perception" cliche, I'm amazed at two dichotomies:
1) There are 24 work days left. When I think about working those days, I can't believe how long that feels. When I think about how much stuff I have to pack in those days (plus weekends of course), I can't believe how little time I have.
2) After two years of having my own money to spend, I'm amazed at how much stuff I have. I own furniture!?! From college, I'm used to being able to pack everything that I own into my Toyota Camry and then just drive. I can't believe that all of this "stuff" is going to be making the trek with me from KC to Tampa.
Makes me want to be a Buddhist.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Outdoor soccer
The weather was finally nice enough today to play a pickup game of outdoor soccer. It was awesome. Good for my body, good for my mind. For one hour and half, I have nothing else to think or worry about excapt the position of ball on the field, the position of my body and feet in relation to that ball and the field demarcations, and movement of the players around me. It does wonders.
Once school starts in August, I hope that I'll be able to start having regular Sunday pickup games again. Check that, I don't hope that I will, I know that I will. I will just have to make time for pickup games, because they're a joy.
Once school starts in August, I hope that I'll be able to start having regular Sunday pickup games again. Check that, I don't hope that I will, I know that I will. I will just have to make time for pickup games, because they're a joy.
The Second World War by John Keegan
The first chapter of John Keegan's The Second World War is absolutely the best chapter from any history book that I have ever read. It is a concise, insightful, and persuasive examination of what led to World War II.
The simple answer is, of course, World War II was fought to reverse the outcome of World War I. But Keegan turns the question from why this happened to the much more important how it happened. Wars had raged across Europe for millenia prior to the World Wars; and like their predecessors, the two World Wars had myriad cultural, historial, linguistic, and political roots.
But none of the previous wars had involved so many people with so much bloodshed. I'll leave those who are interested on the cliffhanger of Keegan's answer to how. Go to your local library or bookstore and spend the 30-45 minutes reading the beginning chapter. You'll learn something, I promise; and what's more awesome than that?
The simple answer is, of course, World War II was fought to reverse the outcome of World War I. But Keegan turns the question from why this happened to the much more important how it happened. Wars had raged across Europe for millenia prior to the World Wars; and like their predecessors, the two World Wars had myriad cultural, historial, linguistic, and political roots.
But none of the previous wars had involved so many people with so much bloodshed. I'll leave those who are interested on the cliffhanger of Keegan's answer to how. Go to your local library or bookstore and spend the 30-45 minutes reading the beginning chapter. You'll learn something, I promise; and what's more awesome than that?
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Wrock
Wrock = wizard rock. Wizard rock is music inspired by, and mostly about, Harry Potter, his friends, and the world they inhabited. It's one of the strangest things I've ever witnessed.
Yes, witnessed. My friend is in the band Ministry of Magic (M.o.M.), apparently the next "big" thing in the Wrock world. I went to one of his concerts this weekend. Strange doesn't begin to describe the scene. I think it's best written plainly: imagine a bunch (~50) of tweens, teens, and a few young women jumping up and down to songs sung by men almost in their thirties about a little boy in a fantasy world. Throw in the random freaky college kid dressed up in a cape with Harry Potter quotes markered all over his face, a few little kids, and some stunned friends of a certain band member; voila, you have a Wrock concert. Dub-ee-you oh dub-ee-you, WOW!
I had the opportunity (?) to spend time with M.o.M. in their hotel room before they went on; a backstage pass, if you will. I got to hear all about the sl/nutty girls who have lists of band member's names that they check off when they, shall we say, find out what type of wand the musician has. I saw almost-grown men deem themselves "Gods" and objects of worship by said girls and friends. I saw a middle aged woman whose job is to 1) organize and promote these events and 2) act as a shield between these band members and the adoring "throngs," all while pretending that she's the sane one and not obsessed with those same band members.
Although I was completely shocked and a little disgusted by what I saw, I recognize that Harry Potter bands and their loose-Luna's are certainly not the worst things in the world. I do feel, however, that this concert is the closest I'll ever come to seeing a cult gathering. I was happy to see my friend perform his music (he is a talented musician), but I don't think that I'll be going to any more of his concerts.
Depulso strangeness!
Yes, witnessed. My friend is in the band Ministry of Magic (M.o.M.), apparently the next "big" thing in the Wrock world. I went to one of his concerts this weekend. Strange doesn't begin to describe the scene. I think it's best written plainly: imagine a bunch (~50) of tweens, teens, and a few young women jumping up and down to songs sung by men almost in their thirties about a little boy in a fantasy world. Throw in the random freaky college kid dressed up in a cape with Harry Potter quotes markered all over his face, a few little kids, and some stunned friends of a certain band member; voila, you have a Wrock concert. Dub-ee-you oh dub-ee-you, WOW!
I had the opportunity (?) to spend time with M.o.M. in their hotel room before they went on; a backstage pass, if you will. I got to hear all about the sl/nutty girls who have lists of band member's names that they check off when they, shall we say, find out what type of wand the musician has. I saw almost-grown men deem themselves "Gods" and objects of worship by said girls and friends. I saw a middle aged woman whose job is to 1) organize and promote these events and 2) act as a shield between these band members and the adoring "throngs," all while pretending that she's the sane one and not obsessed with those same band members.
Although I was completely shocked and a little disgusted by what I saw, I recognize that Harry Potter bands and their loose-Luna's are certainly not the worst things in the world. I do feel, however, that this concert is the closest I'll ever come to seeing a cult gathering. I was happy to see my friend perform his music (he is a talented musician), but I don't think that I'll be going to any more of his concerts.
Depulso strangeness!
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Not just a February blog
I realized I haven't written anything in more than week. So here my first March entry. Ta da!
I just broke the toe-nail on my big toe on my right foot playing soccer. This is the 2nd time in like 4 months. I hope this isn't going to be a continuing problem. The nail didn't fall off yet, so I've electric taped it on. Still hurts. Damn, this sucks.
Also, I've been sick for a few days. Playing soccer today actually did wonders for my sinuses. I hocked a bunch of loogies after the game ;) I remember commenting to my Dad a few months ago about how strange the phrase "hocking a loogie" is. I couldn't find a way to end that sentence without is... Help me with that, you linguistically skilled ones. Anyway, hocking a loogie doesn't even sound like it's English. I did a quick search to try to find the phrase's origin; no luck.
Furthermore, I'm really getting sick and tired of living this double life in Kansas City. At work and with my friends from work, I have to pretend to care about this job, about advancing, about summer plans in KC, etc, etc. I don't. My life here is fait accompli and it's getting so hard to not scream that out loud when I walk in to work knowing that I'm going to be bored out of my mind the entire day. I've written a mini-manual for the guy/girl that replaces me, trying to make it easier for them to learn the stuff that I had to drag out of my crazy, old/experienced coworker on my "team." After that, what can I do? I show up to work on time, get my stuff done. I go home and...
I tried finding a girlfriend (or even a date) for a few months on those dating websites. No luck. Only girl I met had just fallen out of an engagement. She was nice, but seemed a little unstable.
I can't talk to my friends about my exciting hopes and plans for the future.
I don't know anyone in the city with whom I can converse extensively about those subjects.
I'm far away from everyone and everything that I know.
I'm breaking my freaking toe-nail when I play soccer.
I guess I sound like I'm really despressed. Sometimes I am, but right now I feel just completely exasperated. April 24 can't come soon enough.
I just broke the toe-nail on my big toe on my right foot playing soccer. This is the 2nd time in like 4 months. I hope this isn't going to be a continuing problem. The nail didn't fall off yet, so I've electric taped it on. Still hurts. Damn, this sucks.
Also, I've been sick for a few days. Playing soccer today actually did wonders for my sinuses. I hocked a bunch of loogies after the game ;) I remember commenting to my Dad a few months ago about how strange the phrase "hocking a loogie" is. I couldn't find a way to end that sentence without is... Help me with that, you linguistically skilled ones. Anyway, hocking a loogie doesn't even sound like it's English. I did a quick search to try to find the phrase's origin; no luck.
Furthermore, I'm really getting sick and tired of living this double life in Kansas City. At work and with my friends from work, I have to pretend to care about this job, about advancing, about summer plans in KC, etc, etc. I don't. My life here is fait accompli and it's getting so hard to not scream that out loud when I walk in to work knowing that I'm going to be bored out of my mind the entire day. I've written a mini-manual for the guy/girl that replaces me, trying to make it easier for them to learn the stuff that I had to drag out of my crazy, old/experienced coworker on my "team." After that, what can I do? I show up to work on time, get my stuff done. I go home and...
I tried finding a girlfriend (or even a date) for a few months on those dating websites. No luck. Only girl I met had just fallen out of an engagement. She was nice, but seemed a little unstable.
I can't talk to my friends about my exciting hopes and plans for the future.
I don't know anyone in the city with whom I can converse extensively about those subjects.
I'm far away from everyone and everything that I know.
I'm breaking my freaking toe-nail when I play soccer.
I guess I sound like I'm really despressed. Sometimes I am, but right now I feel just completely exasperated. April 24 can't come soon enough.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay
I'm only about 60% done with it, but this book is the best I've read since Neuromancer and/or Slaughterhouse-5 (I read them both around five years ago). It is really incredible that it is fiction because the story is so real and vibrant that it feels like it must have actually happened. Absolutely no surprise that it won the Pulitzer. I'm tearing through it.
Pick it up!
Pick it up!
Monday, February 23, 2009
Disquiet
The best word that I have ever found to describe my current state is Disquiet. It is from the title of a book, The Book of Disquiet, by an apparently unknown Portuguese poet named Fernando Pessoa. I bought this book a few weeks before I began dating the girl from the previous post, after having told her months before that I couldn't be just friends and then removed her from my life. I have yet to finish this book. I keep picking it up during times like this, and then dropping it when I yank myself out of my oblivion of self-introspection.
Disquiet is not quiet, yet it is not unquiet. To me, it means a low, almost imperceptible sound, heard in the background, that alerts one that something is not quite right in the world. The disquiet I hear, in my mind, is the sound resonating in the gap between who I am, where I am, what I am and the person that I pretend to be, both to myself and others. The last few years of my life has consisted of my (pathetic? Sometimes.) attempts to close that gap, to feel right with how things are and will be.
I acknowledge that I can not control the world; my dad said to me once that the absolute maximum you can control is the circle whose circumference is drawn by your fingertips as you spin around in place, with your arms outstretched. I think that's very true.
I hope my next great leap, into Medical School, make my world a little better. I think that it will, but who knows?
Frustratingly, when I am honest with myself, I believe that my sense of Disquiet will become inaudible only when I find The Girl. It could be that everyone is built like that. Only time will tell, I suppose.
Disquiet is not quiet, yet it is not unquiet. To me, it means a low, almost imperceptible sound, heard in the background, that alerts one that something is not quite right in the world. The disquiet I hear, in my mind, is the sound resonating in the gap between who I am, where I am, what I am and the person that I pretend to be, both to myself and others. The last few years of my life has consisted of my (pathetic? Sometimes.) attempts to close that gap, to feel right with how things are and will be.
I acknowledge that I can not control the world; my dad said to me once that the absolute maximum you can control is the circle whose circumference is drawn by your fingertips as you spin around in place, with your arms outstretched. I think that's very true.
I hope my next great leap, into Medical School, make my world a little better. I think that it will, but who knows?
Frustratingly, when I am honest with myself, I believe that my sense of Disquiet will become inaudible only when I find The Girl. It could be that everyone is built like that. Only time will tell, I suppose.
The Past finds me due to weather problems in Philadelphia
Had a great vacation in Naples. It was good to see old friends and thaw. I hate returning and having to warm my hands every few minutes just to type out a blog post.
My return trip to KC was delayed in the Tampa airport. This delay precipitated a stunning "blast from my past."
While walking to use the restrooms before the airplane finally boarded, I think, *think*, I saw my ex-girlfriend sitting at another gate. Aided by a malaise of aimlessness during my senior year, a lack of social life brought about by studying, writing, applying, and interviewing for Medical School for about fourteen months, an unhappiness with my current job, and a feeling of fait-accompli with my life in Kansas City, I've yet to enter a serious relationship since that (THAT) relationship ended. I guess that has given me a half-sense of never being "over" her.
What is really frustrating is that, as I always do, I chose to walk away from the opportunity to 1) verify that it really was her (I only saw this girl from about 30yards away and noticed that she was flying to the home of the aforementioned ex) and 2) to be friendly and maybe even stop feeling angry/sad/confused/other teenage angsts about the whole affair. I have no interest in dating this girl again, but now, here I am, wondering if I was crazy to pass up the chance to say goodbye civilly. If it even was her. Crazy.
My return trip to KC was delayed in the Tampa airport. This delay precipitated a stunning "blast from my past."
While walking to use the restrooms before the airplane finally boarded, I think, *think*, I saw my ex-girlfriend sitting at another gate. Aided by a malaise of aimlessness during my senior year, a lack of social life brought about by studying, writing, applying, and interviewing for Medical School for about fourteen months, an unhappiness with my current job, and a feeling of fait-accompli with my life in Kansas City, I've yet to enter a serious relationship since that (THAT) relationship ended. I guess that has given me a half-sense of never being "over" her.
What is really frustrating is that, as I always do, I chose to walk away from the opportunity to 1) verify that it really was her (I only saw this girl from about 30yards away and noticed that she was flying to the home of the aforementioned ex) and 2) to be friendly and maybe even stop feeling angry/sad/confused/other teenage angsts about the whole affair. I have no interest in dating this girl again, but now, here I am, wondering if I was crazy to pass up the chance to say goodbye civilly. If it even was her. Crazy.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
News Flash
Thank you, science.
Gems from this article:
"[...] in men, the brain areas associated with handling tools and the intention to perform actions light up when viewing images of women in bikinis."
(Middle school humor) Gee, I wonder which tools the men were thinking of handling. Tee-hee.
"Men also remember [bodies of women in bikinis] better that those of fully-clothed women"
(Dreamy voice) Fascinating.
" [...] the research suggests that viewing certain images is not appropriate in the workplace."
Again, groundbreaking...
The best one:
"Many men make foolish choices because of sexual attraction."
Thank goodness we have these researchers. I have no idea any of us would have come to this conclusion if we had simply looked at, say, the past five thousand years of human civilization.
I'll get of my sarcasm-horse here, and get on my rhetorical question-horse: Do we really need to be paying people to make studies like this?
Power of Mom
So, I had a discussion with my Mother about my very first blog post. She thought my usage of the phrase "Jesus H. Christ" was insulting to Christians and/or Christianity. I certainly was not trying to use it in such a fashion. I may not be religious but I have nothing but respect for faiths and the faithful. I guess that it is just a sentiment for which I don't feel a need (, yet? who knows). In any case, if any one took offense, I'm very sorry.
It is surely a testament to the tremendous power of mother's disapproval (at least on a first born child) that I felt tremendously guilty - guilty enough to apologize on my blog, MY blog! So, women, use your powers of motherhood wisely, please.
I love you, Mom ;)
By the way, my friend Mark found an explanation as to why people (not just me!) use H. as a middle initial. So, there you go...
Monday, February 16, 2009
New Title Bar
It's not long enough, and I have to fix those borders around the Gator symbol and text, but for a technologically and artistically inept person, that's not a bad start.
Adieu
Adieu
C19-H28-O2
Just finished watching a somewhat interesting documentary on Testosterone. I think most people know that men have more than women, that high levels are usually associated with sexual and physical aggression, and that its levels go up and down throughout both male and female lives. However, a few things that I did learn:
1. There is a well supported theory that the level of testosterone that a child is exposed to in utero affects the second to fourth digit ratio. People who had higher levels of natal testosterone exposure have, stastically, a smaller second to fourth digit ratio. In other words, their ring fingers are longer than their pointer fingers. Following up on that idea led me to this article.
I'm not a big fan of basing intelligence and scholastic competence solely on SAT scores, but I will certainly acknowledge that there is a correlation. Smart people do better on those tests that non-smart people, despite all of the cultural and social inconsistencies inherit in the creation of the test.
Due to my undoubtedly testosterone-fueled ultra-competitive nature, I am quite happy to announce that my ring fingers are longer than my pointer fingers. I do however notice, that my left pointer finger is slightly shorter than my right pointer finger. I wonder what that means, if anything?
2. Testosterone levels in men decline once they get married. And more so once they have children. The theoretical guess to explain that is that committing to a relationship (marriage used to mean that) allows the male to redirect his energy and resources towards other goals than the mating competition.
The documentary either did not specify or I have already forgot what happens when men meet "the girl." I would think that testosterone levels would rise to make the man more competitive in order to get the girl.
3. Testosterone levels begin to rise in married men one year prior to divorce! So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
4. I think that I had already heard this before, but maybe not: women nearer ovulation tend to find more attractive the faces of men with higher base levels of testosterone. Outside of that week-ish window, they prefer slightly more feminine faces. Hmm...
Well there you have it, my contribution to world knowledge. All I can say is, you're welcome.
1. There is a well supported theory that the level of testosterone that a child is exposed to in utero affects the second to fourth digit ratio. People who had higher levels of natal testosterone exposure have, stastically, a smaller second to fourth digit ratio. In other words, their ring fingers are longer than their pointer fingers. Following up on that idea led me to this article.
I'm not a big fan of basing intelligence and scholastic competence solely on SAT scores, but I will certainly acknowledge that there is a correlation. Smart people do better on those tests that non-smart people, despite all of the cultural and social inconsistencies inherit in the creation of the test.
Due to my undoubtedly testosterone-fueled ultra-competitive nature, I am quite happy to announce that my ring fingers are longer than my pointer fingers. I do however notice, that my left pointer finger is slightly shorter than my right pointer finger. I wonder what that means, if anything?
2. Testosterone levels in men decline once they get married. And more so once they have children. The theoretical guess to explain that is that committing to a relationship (marriage used to mean that) allows the male to redirect his energy and resources towards other goals than the mating competition.
The documentary either did not specify or I have already forgot what happens when men meet "the girl." I would think that testosterone levels would rise to make the man more competitive in order to get the girl.
3. Testosterone levels begin to rise in married men one year prior to divorce! So which comes first, the chicken or the egg?
4. I think that I had already heard this before, but maybe not: women nearer ovulation tend to find more attractive the faces of men with higher base levels of testosterone. Outside of that week-ish window, they prefer slightly more feminine faces. Hmm...
Well there you have it, my contribution to world knowledge. All I can say is, you're welcome.
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